Our peace and happiness (I)

I gave birth on 30th May and this is my birth story.

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I had my routine checkup with my Gyn on the 28th and was scheduled for a fetal growth monitoring. Everything went well except during the fetal scan. The scanner (oh idk what theyre professionally called) got really quiet when scanning my bump and that scared me so much. The tension in the room got high during the session and i got really anxious. All she asked was ,”Did your doctor say anything to you?” Mak kau. Mana tk kecut perut aku. I started thinking of all the bad scenarios and trying to prepare myself for the worst. I was already 38+3weeks and to know “this” late that theres something wrong with my baby scared me so much. Got the scan report and was trying to self-decipher whatever that was written in it. Hahaha.

The waiting to meet my Gyn was heart wrenching. My god. Hahahahaha. I was earlier diagnosed with this “Pregnancy Rash” as what my Gyn said. And whenever my body heat rises it triggers the itch/rash and i was itching so badly (esp around the tummy folds and the thigh area). My number was called and the first thing she said when we stepped into her room was ,”3.6kg already, so how?”

She checked my cerivx and i was already 2cm dilated and then purposely stretched it so ill be in labour quickly. Everything was well, nothing wrong with the baby, Alhamdulillah and she casually mention about being induced as if i wasnt given a choice. I wasnt lol – that was my only choice. If i were to let my baby cook longer i may deliver her via c-sect and she wasnt liking the idea. So I was scheduled for induced labour – THE NEXT FREAKING DAY!

Mind you ni tengah time puasa eh. Busy sis, lepas appointment the Hubs and I had to sit at a corner and reflect on what the hell that just happened, trying to absorb the fact that we’ll be holding our little Angel the next day. That thought itself scares me so much. Like this is it. Today is my last day being pregnant, our last day being together just the 2 of us. This. Is. It.

Went home and cried. Like alot. A. LOT.

Was self-doubting my capabilities as a mom-to-be, as a wife after giving birth and trying to balance all while still staying sane. Thinking about motherhood, being very unsure about the baby and myself. Comparing my lives with friends around me. Thinking that we made a mistake. Doubting God’s gift for us. Basically just wallowing in self-doubt. The uncertanties scared me. The what ifs and what nots. I wasnt ready to give birth, im still only 24. Theres so many things I haven’t accomplished but at the same time i do feel like im ready to hold a new status, I felt calm despite all those thoughts i had.

No one is ever ready for such a huge commitment. Parenthood is indeed alittle more serious than marriage. This is a human we’ll be having, a real life human and we are not even prepared for it. We didnt attend any pre natal classes or even read up much on being pregnant or parenthood. Just going with the flow, unsure if we’re being lazy or just dont know where to start looking.

So the Hubs and i had a loooooooong talk. We cried our insecurities out and thanked God for all His blessings He has given us in the past and for the future. As much as I would like to think that having children are rezki, they are indeed, but I do feel they are served as tests for us, His Slaves. Theyre our Amanah, a legacy we’ll be leaving behind. Thats a heavy responsibility you know.

Ok, back to my labour story. Hahaha.

Since I was due for inducted labour on the night of the 29th, I spent the whatever that was left in the day at home re-packing my hospital bag, walked a little to shop some more last minute in case i need it but actually no and more crying. Thank goodness for Vesak Day, I enjoyed spending some quiet time with the family, relaxing. The next time im home, I’ll be bringing a baby.

Since it was during the fasting month, the hubs had a quick dinner and we prayed. (I cried again, whats new) and we left. We held hands in the taxi and i prayed for the best, for a smooth delivery and that ill be given the calmness to go through this.

I checked in the delivery suite at 830pm and got sent to the special ward to be induced. I wasnt alone as there was another lady with me. Hubs accompanied me for a little while. Since I was GBS positive, I got the antibiotic drip inserted earlier. I too was strapped to the contractions machine thingy and got the pill inserted. I was ready. Hahaha. The nurse who checked on me was very sweet. I got embarassed because she had to see my ~ down there ~ but all was well, alhamdulillah. Since I was scheduled for delivery at 4am, i had so much time to kill. So i tried napping, but lol i cant. Hahahahaha.

4am came and I was wheeled to the delivery suite. The nurses asked if im considering any pain relief and wholeheartedly i said I want epidural. Im a weakass. So i got my dose and contractions was nothing. I really couldnt feel anything even before getting the epidural. Had a pee bag inserted for me to pee pee and i napped with my husband beside me. Nurses came and went and I was only around 6cm around noon. This baby is getting a little too comfortable. Hahaha. The Dr had to stretched my cervix for it to open faster. I started to feel like pooping and literally got the nurse to get me a bedpan because im a noob and im so afraid of pooping while delivering. HAHA. Anyway, I was 9cm dilated when the urge was getting too much. The midwife told me to just ride it out but i couldnt. I was already pushing her out and I did, halfway my Gyn did an episiotomy to aid my delivery as my baby was a little too big for my size. My healthy baby girl arrived on the 30th May 2018 on 14:37 weighing at 3.58kg – just a day before Ibu’s Birthday. In total inclusive of the induce ~ im in labour for abt 16.5 hrs. YAYYY ME.

Since I had epidural I couldnt feel anything thus thinking everything was okay ~down there~ but nope. I got a fourth degree tear on top of my episiotomy. Yay big baby! Because of my fourth degree tear, i had to be wheeled to the operation theatre to be properly sewn. They had to increase my epidural dosage, gave me general anesthetic and had me breathing gas. So imagine my dazedness and literally cannot feel anything from my head down. I was numb AF. But the process was quick. My Gyn herself sew me up. I was wheeled to the recovery room after that to rest before going up to my ward.

I do want to include pictures of what episiotomy and fourth degree tear looks like but its abit too gross. Shall just describe them.

Episiotomy a surgical incision of the perineum and the posterior vaginal wall generally done by a midwife or obstetrician.

Fourth degree tearwhen the woman’s perineum tears during childbirth down to the edge of (or through) the anus, injuring a muscle called the anal sphincter. In some cases part of the bowel wall is also injured.

Third and fourth-degree tears are unpredictable and often unexpected, but they do tend to occur in relation to some situations more than others.

These can include:

Episiotomy
• Forceps and ventouse births
• Difficult birth of the shoulders
Unusually large baby
• Position of the baby
First babies
• Fast birth
• Position for birth
• Swollen perineum

So i had 3 out of 9 items, hence the tear. I will post about my recovery some time soon, in shaa Allah.

What a journey. Such an experience, very memorable and alhamdulillah i was granted calmness and strength to push through although play cheat sikit sebab induced and epidural. Hahahaha.

*****

So thats how i gave birth to my diva and we named her ‘Aisyah Amani Binte Mohd Zaidi.

‘Aisyah – Nabi’s SAW wife; kehidupan

Amani – kesejahteraanku, ketenanganku.

Our peace and happiness.

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Young Mom

Im crawling into my 3rd trimester and this pregnancy has been nothing but unbelievable (because im still in denial / speechless/ ye ke moment)

If you were to tell me 5 years ago, that ill be married and pregnant today, ill be laughing at you yet at the same time ill be wishing that it’ll come true.

I did have a pretty tough 1st trimester with my morning sickness and puking the moment i wake up and after eating to the point that I had to take a vomit jab to prevent more vomit. I only had 2 options – to get injection or to be sent to the hospital for drip. I rather the jab. With this pregnancy, ive never in my life taken so many MCs in a month. So i kindda had to spill the beans to my HR before she ask too many questions. I also did my Umrah during my 1st trimester so thats that. Hahaha. Maybe ill blog about it maybe i wont.

The Reveal. 

Im somewhat blessed with very regular period and when i missed one in that particular month ~ i knew something was up. My husband is pretty caught on with my menses / ovulation period so he too felt something was amiss. So I did the test, it was very immediate apparently. Then i cried. It was lucky that Husbi was having OT so i kindda have some time to spare to surprise him although not surprise la cos we kindda expect already. But this girl, went to test again for the next 3 days. Very the kiasu.

How did i tell my parents? 

We’ll i told my mom first. Tengah sibuk lipat kain terus, “Ibu, are you ready to be a grandmother?” and cue the waterworks. I wonder if my baby will take my emotional genes and we can cry over everything together ~

***

To be honest, im not ready to be a mother. I can even barely look after myself and my husband, out comes another baby, another responsibility – im like shut up no.

This is a blessing indeed but i look at this as a test for me, for our marriage. Things will definitely get tougher once the baby is out and sacrifices have to be made to make this journey bearable. Im still in the midst of finishing my forever cannot complete degree and im already thinking of pausing that. Withdrawing myself from paper qualifications and instead enrolling in many other life-skills certifications.

I rubbed my tummy countless of times, whispering sweet nothings and telling the baby that its just her, me and Abi now. Im a ball of emotions everytime i look at my growing tummy and posing naked infront of the mirror like hello little u inside ~ Magical? Very. Scared? DEFO. Just in awed.

But despite overthinking about the what-ifs and the hard parts of raising a child, im pretty much feeling very grateful and i do think 9 months is a bit too long for the baby to stay inside my womb rent-free. Why cant it be like the cartoons where storks come and deliver the baby through the chimney (or window because we’re in Singapore) HAHAHA.

I do have to give a huge shoutout to my darlingest darling babydaddy for always being really supportive and just being very amazing, accompanying me throughout this pregnancy so far. I know ive been slacking much and especially complaining alot about everything and anything but you still love me kan? HEHE.

Im just super excited and the more we’re preparing for the baby’s arrival the more of a mess i am. I cannot wait to see her face and pointing out which part of her looks like her dad (i hope its the brown eyes and sexy lashes). Also teach her how to walk and talk and be sassy like me. Hehe yes, we’re getting a little diva ~ la vida loca. Lul, she’s also excited that she’s kicking me right now, maybe preparing for her performance debut.

Apparently im still too young to use my SkillsFuture Credits but old enough to be a mom. But that’s okay, i wont want it any other way 🙂 

 

Im still in disbelieve tho, im having a baby. A legit living human baby.